Monkeys have eaten my brain

[listening to] Click clack clickety clack

Out of the 18 new emails I received, only 1 was specifically for me. Saaad. Anyway, Shin-chan's visiting today.

Was supposed to type something important, but what the hey.

Survey
(nicked from Shally's blog.)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Pat
2. Trisha/Trish
3. Patricia (duh)
THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1. elijah13 (a long, long time ago)
2. reshuffled
3. nashi
THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. i write decently (well, the grammar anyway)
2. i'm generally affectionate
3. i can deviate from the norm
THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF
1. my apathy/lack of concern towards certain things
2. i'm childish
3. i want so many things i can't buy
THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. cockroaches and their ilk, especially the flying ones
2. losing my loved ones
3. being hacked to death
THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. money
2. food
3. water
THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. shirt
2. earrings
3. undies
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS (at the moment)
1. duncan sheik
2. oliver james
3. switchfoot
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at the moment)
1. meant to live
2. suntok sa buwan
3. wishful thinking
NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS
1. get a part-time job with decent pay (hee, call center)
2. *does not want to jinx it* ;D
3. renovate my room, ala Knock First (haha)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. humor :D
2. the right amount of patience with each other
3. trust
TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order)
1. i detest cockroaches
2. i am so over him
3. i want to learn how to use photoshop
THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX (or same) THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. smile
2. height (hard to find :P)
3. hands
THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1. reading
2. surfing the net
3. watching movies
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. sleep (no surprise)
2. study (the requirements are piling up...)
3. exercise (haha)
THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING
1. chemical engineer
2. video game tester (O_o)
3. translator
THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. japan
2. ireland (my spiritual home. haha :P)
3. the bahamas
THREE KID'S NAMES:
1. alexandri (guy)
2. robin (girl)
3. rikki (ditto)
THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. travel the world
2. write a book
3. leave a legacy of some sort
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. kikay (somewhat)
2. indecisive
3. emotional
THREE WAYS I AM STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. video game freak :P
2. i'm a gadget geek
3. i like joking and fooling around
THREE CELEB CRUSHES
1. jonathan rhys - meyers
2. yoshikuni dochin (well, sort of celeb)
3. robert carmine

EDIT: Finally have costume for Vilma's debut, yay!:) Twas really nice of (Ate) Yacel to agree to lend me her dress. And the poster we've been working on --- what can I say? It turned out the way I imagined it in my head. Haha.

For Brat, whom Buffy bit near the left eye, causing said eye to be swollen and making Brat look like a mongoloid:
Oh kitten
I was smitten
But now you're un-cute and dog-bitten
And ugly
and grumpy
Someone bring back my kitten to me.

Finally. I didn't even think you'd reply, since I am apparently so unimportant that I don't even merit a bloody peso. But whee! That blasted thumbnail of you finally appeared on my phone. It shouldn't make me happy, but it does. Damn. And you don't know it (yet), but it's your loss. And I am professional. You didn't even notice a thing.

I hate this. Wanting and waiting and restraining myself. Although, I have to say, it's working. Yepyep. Just like really bitter medicine.

Hindsight is 20/20

[listening to] AAARRGH! Our speakers aren't working!

I was so sure when the sem started that English 1 would be a breeze. "Basic College English"? Pffft. Like it's ever going to be as tough as any of my Chem subjects. It's grammar, for cripes' sake! My paternal grandma was an English teacher, and the grammar nazi gene was passed down to me.

Or so I thought.

I have a narrative to write. It's due next week. Our prof, who's this very cool, tech-savvy 30ish-but-looks-20ish UP alumna, said to write something that'll show who you are --- what makes you tick, what drives you, what your passion is. Then she added, Siguro naman lahat kayo may ganyan. If you don't, that's sad. That stuck with me. And then --- here comes the cliche, whoopdeedoo --- my life just flashed in front of me, this great wave of images and random bits and pieces. I was groping for a memory I could write about, anything at all. So, trying to be systematic, I present my most vivid memories, in no particular order. They're not necessarily the best or worst, but they are what I remember most clearly. (Hey, anybody remember this from a BSC Special Edition?)

1. When I first saw my mom guiding Papa Susing in going to the CR to help him pee. That was when it dawned on me how much he's deteriorated from Parkinson's Disease. Papa was always a comfort to me, the archetypal lolo who could fix things, and have all these little stories to tell us. I miss him.

2. My FR in K E M. It may be vivid because it's only been months ago, but still. Even though I couldn't see a thing on account of being blindfolded, You-Know-Who (OK, so you probably don't) danced with me. Lalala.

3. That time in fourth grade when my evil and wrinkly class adviser confiscated this cute 'witch-in-a-box' my classmate gave me for my birthday and threw it in the trash can, in front of everyone. Plus the scolding afterwards when she found out a kind classmate of mine retrieved it from there and returned it to me.

4. The first time the guy I liked held my hand, during the 3rd year prom. I felt somewhat scandalized. I mean, I thought it wasn't proper! He wasn't even you know, courting me or something. We weren't even close friends.

What Should've Been:

R: Oh Pat, this has been one of the most magical evenings of my life. Even though you look scary with all that goop on your face, and the fact that you are probably taller than me, I think I'm in love with you.
Me: *smiles shyly*
R: I know this may be too soon, but...may I hold your hand and walk with you on this moonlit night?
Me: *says nothing, but places my hand in his*

What Actually Transpired:

R:Tara, labas tayo. *grabs my hand*
Me: *too dazed to do anything but nod*

Goes to show how naive I was then, thinking of courtship the old-fashioned way: Him visiting me at home, getting all chummy with my dad, and maybe chopping wood(!) or doing some other form of manual labor. What happened is an entirely different, and undoubtedly nicer (well, in the beginning) story.

5. Hiding from my cousin in an old chest when I was 3. He was so irritating, imitating everything I said and did, that I walked out on him in a huff. When my lola arrived, he had to look for me in the garden and backyard, where he scraped his knee. Hah.

6. My mom picking me up from my Lola's house to take me home. I didn't want to leave, so I kept crying on the jeepney ride home. My mom said a passenger asked her, Anak mo ba talaga yan?, probably thinking she was a kidnapper. My dad had to bribe me with candy cigarettes to make me stop. When I first entered our house, I thought it was so plain and small. I immediately dismissed the idea that I could ever live in it, and demanded to be taken back to my Lola. My dad placated me with words and smiles, and more candy.

7. Banging a classmate's head against the wall during preschool. He was teasing me so I cornered the little a-hole and did that. He cried and I got sent to the Principal's Office, where I had to apologize to him. I remember he was chinky-eyed, and had this little brother who also studied there. He had one of the dorkiest names ever --- Master Andrew. Seriously.

That brought back a lot of preschool memories.

8. Getting my first 8x grade. That started me on this spiral of underachievement I am in now. But seriously, I just wanted to be swallowed by the earth when I found out. I even cried in class. This particular event demoted me from infallible topnotcher of the class to 'really really smart, but beatable and not all that great, nyahaha' status in the eyes of my competitors.

There's probably more, but they aren't clear enough or I want to go into great detail about them but can't right now on account of all the schoolwork I haven't done yet.

*

Oh, and have you ever seen a person you used to be attracted to and go, Eeew, what did I ever see in him? You just have to thank God you never hooked up with each other.

So not in denial

[listening to] Ruin Your Life - Abandoned Pools

If anyone had told me 6 months ago to GROW UP, I would've shrugged it off, have it prey on my mind for some time, then never let it bother me again after I talk it over with my friends. Because, after all, my friends accept me just the way I am.

But it's become apparent to me that I DO need to grow up. And what's surprising (to me), is that I'm trying. I don't succeed all the time, but the effort is there. What's hardest to deal with is rejection, and with it the things I don't like about myself.

Early mornings always make me thoughtful. I'll go back to homework now.

ugh.

[listening to]

UGH. I have a class a scant 6 hours from now.

dumdudumdudum.

[listening to] Part of Your World - Little Mermaid OST (in a nostalgic Disney mood)

There's nothing like leafing (virtually, anyway) through more than 2 years' worth of archives to see how much one has grown. When I first started blogging waaay back in high school, it was mainly just stuff about videogames, anime, mockeries of certain people (all in code, of course). Then I got dumped (yes, there is no other term) and vented my angst, posted poetry -- I guess that was the most 'personal' part of my blogging life. But then an unfortunate event happened last year that made me revert back to my old superficial fangirling. Several people found out about my blog, didn't like what they read, and...well, it ended quite disastrously for me.

So one of my resolutions this year is to blog and write for myself, and not worry about what the people I know personally who stumble upon this think. This is MY blog.

Here's to 2005.:)